When I decided to get sober, my whole life changed. I had spent however many years in an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. It consumed my life. I had never really thought of it as a relationship until today. Funny how the different layers around addiction come to fruition.
I was talking with someone about my experience going through graduate school. This was the time in my life where I made the decision to remove alcohol completely. I was so lost. I didn’t know who I was without it.
Today was the first time I thought of alcohol as a person. Being in a codependent relationship. Maybe the parallels of when you get out of a serious relationship. How you do not know who you are or what you want because for the longest time you hadn’t considered it. You had spent your time invested in this other person. For me, that other person was alcohol.
I lived my life around what alcohol wanted. I would go out even if I didn’t feel like it. I would determine my schedule based on if I would be hungover or not. I made monetary decisions to include enough for alcohol in my budget. Let’s be honest, there wasn’t even a budget. But I made sure that I would have enough money to drink. It was even a deciding factor in the relationships that I invested in. When I first met my fiance, for example. I was actually questioning whether we would be right together because he didn’t drink. This was the level of energetic weight I was allowing in my relationship with alcohol. It was number one. Even above myself.
But then something shifted. I started choosing me. Removing myself from the toxic weight of having a substance control my life. I was no longer in this codependent context. That’s where the existential crisis comes to light. If I am not making decisions around this relationship anymore then how will I know what is right? What do I even like to do by myself? Without alcohol? Who am I? Who am I in my friendships? In my relationship? In my career? Everything comes into question.
And I expected the answers. There was pressure to have the answers because of the weight of feeling uncomfortable. If I am choosing to be with myself, I need to know who that self is.
The truth is, it comes over time. And it is ever evolving. It is different for everyone. For me, it involved trying new things, meeting new people, and putting myself out there to see if it stuck. I dived into wellness communities to connect with people in a sober context. I started working through and processing the emotions that were coming up in sister circles and therapy. I leaned hard on relationships that I did know were right, such as the one with my fiance.
I lost a lot of friendships because of the change. There were some people who didn’t know this new me. Or possibly didn’t even like the new me. I wanted to be in the depths of things instead of the fun party girl who lived on the surface. My identity was no longer the same as the one they had been familiar with.
It’s not that I didn’t like these friends. We just didn’t have the common connection of alcohol in place anymore.
I started learning about myself as a business owner. What boundaries are, how to protect my energy. These are still things I am learning to this day. What I want to invest my time in and how I want to support other people.
Slowly but surely identities start to shift. From one as a drunk. A party girl. A fun social human who absolutely loves the bar. To an empathetic space holder. A curious learner. A writer. A caring fiance. Someone who loves to connect with others.
I heard something on a podcast one time. I wish I remembered the name of it. The host said, I removed one thing and gained so much more. That is exactly how I feel about my recovery journey.
It is a depth of emotions. It is a world of processing. And there is so much space in my life for more. More evolution. More connection. More of me.